Three Things Your Loved One Needs From You Most

Surprise, It's NOT Money!

After spending almost two decades of my adult life inside the prison system, I have learned what matters most when it comes to love and support from the outside world. I used to think having a significant commissary account balance showed that I have people who care about me in the free world, but as time has passed, and as the Ramen soups have disappeared, I have realized that while financial support certainly has value, there are much more important things than having a full locker. If you really want to show your loved one that you care, here are the three things they need from you the most.

1. Affirmation

When everything that shaped your identity is suddenly ripped from you and you're left only with a shaved head, a prison uniform, and an I.D. card proclaiming "INMATE" or "OFFENDER" in all capital red letters, it's easy to lose self-esteem. While we may all agree that the clothes we wear, and the location we sleep does not determine our worth, over a period of years there can be serious damage done to ones mental state. Marisa Peer says, "The mind believes what you tell it," and your loved one needs to be told regularly that they are loved, remembered, and have value. Affirming your loved ones positive attributes, personal growth, and significance, can offset the barrage of negativity hear each day in the prison system.

2. Consistency

There is an unfortunate and pervasive myth among inmates that everyone will eventually leave if you just give them enough time. No matter the promises you make to stay in your loved ones life, somewhere in the back of their mind is a voice that says you will disappear one day. Three common fears of people in prison are: fear of rejection, fear of being alone, and fear of being forgotten. You have the power to help combat these fears by establishing, and communicating healthy boundaries, but being consistent to show up in your loved ones life. This can be done by sending an e-message once a quarter, once a month, or once a day depending on your ability. The important thing is to be consistent. Brene Brown says, "I can only trust you if you do what you say you're going to do." Many of us have significant trust issues for a wide range of reasons, but you can show your love, and help redevelop trust, by being consistent in your loved ones life.

3. Share

Prison is a dull, drab environment and the incarcerated life is usually not very exciting. One of the best things you can do for your loved one is to share your life and experiences. We live vicariously through you. When you tell your loved one about your day, your meals, and your social interactions, they want to hear this. When you share, we feel included. We would much rather hear the details of your life and risk momentary sadness because of what we're missing out on, than to not know anything and completely miss out anyway. Share your world with your loved one through pictures, talk about the books you're reading, movies you've seen, conversations you've had, and more. Share your life with your loved one to show them you care.

Conclusion

You matter more to your loved one than you can ever possibly comprehend. We may not always have the words to express it, but your loved one needs to hear your affirmation, needs for you to be consistent in their life, and needs for you to share your world so they can live with, and through, you. On behalf of all of us who are doing time, thank you for everything you do. If you weren't in the life of your loved one, the entire prison experience would be much more difficult. Thank you and keep loving well!

Contact Trent directly by creating a Securus e-messaging account at SecurusTech.net or on the Securus App. You'll need his full name, State, and facility (Trenton Blythe, Texas, Texas Department of Criminal Justice). He'd love to hear from you!